Do you ever feel like you're stuck living in someone else’s shadow? Like your friends outshine you, or you can't live up to the tough standards set by an older sibling? If you feel like you’re always second best, maybe it’s time to stop walking behind her and step boldly onto a new path...one that’s right for you. Read on to learn how you can separate your own identity from your friend or family member’s, tame your feelings of jealousy, and even relate to the other person better than you ever did before…

Get a Handle on Your Feelings

“Adults always talk about how cute my little sister is and how she looks just like Reese Witherspoon (which she does). It makes me feel like I’m not as good as she is. Not that she isn't my best friend or that I don't love her...I just feel left out when people do that.”

–Cassidy, age 9, S.C.

When you feel stuck in second place, it’s tempting to blame all your frustration on the one in first place. If only she weren’t around, people wouldn’t constantly compare you...and maybe they’d appreciate you more. But being mad at her (or him) is just plain unfair. Can your sister help her cute-as-a-button looks and bubbly personality? Can your best friend help it if she was born with more brains than most people? Clearly, no. Even worse, your anger won’t do much to stop you from feeling you’re “not good enough.” Instead, you’ll just feel guilty for having mean thoughts about someone you care about...and end up feeling even more down on yourself.

So how do you break out of this pattern? The key is to pinpoint the true cause of your upset feelings. Instead of telling yourself “I’m no good” or “My problem is her,” ask yourself what you really envy about the other person. Do you really wish you had your friend’s silky hair and perfect skin? Or do you just crave the attention her looks bring her? Instead of thinking, “Why does she have to be so darn cute?” you can say to yourself, “I want to be noticed and admired, too.” Finding the heart of the problem lets you think about it in a different way—less like a bitter complaint, and more like a goal. Instead of thinking, “Why does my sister have to be such a math genius?” you can say to yourself, “I want to be appreciated for being smart in my own right.”

Blaze Your Own Trail

“People always love my older sister. I’ve even had a few friends that became better friends with her than with me after I introduced them. I try my best just to stay out of her life, so I don't feel like I need to compare myself to her. We each have our own activities so we can be ourselves. I try to create my own personality so I don't have to be in her shadow.”

–Lilith, age 12, Wash.

Does your heart sink when you walk into P.E. on the first day of school, knowing the teacher is bound to expect you to be a great athlete like your brother? Does taking an art class alongside your talented friend make you feel like her sidekick? From now on, stop thinking you either have to follow in their footsteps or fail. Give yourself permission to pursue your own path in life…and to build a reputation of your very own. Just because your best friend wears all the latest styles doesn’t mean you have to. Maybe your style is more about vintage T-shirts or funky hand-knit scarves. If you’re not sure what you like yet (or what you are like), try different things. Let your imagination run wild. Start following your own interests, and you’re bound to find something you love to do and can become good at. Note: this doesn’t mean you should build a whole identity on being different from your friend or sib, though. If it turns out you’re into painting or love sports, too, go for it! She (or he!) doesn’t own the whole subject!

But what about all those people who can’t forget your talented sis or celebrated best friend? If parents, coaches, or friends compare you to your friend or family member or treat you like an extension of her no matter what you do, gently remind them that you are you. It’s okay to speak up and say, “It’s hard for me to do my best when I’m always being compared me to my sister. I’ll learn better if you treat me like a separate person.” But make sure you’re living up to that ideal, too: Avoid introducing yourself as “Suzie’s sister” or “Katie’s friend.” Always act like your own person, and don’t be afraid to show you have different strengths from her. After all, you are different! And when you put your real personality out there and let it shine, it won’t be long before everybody knows you as yourself.

Share the Spotlight

“My friend and I started out in gymnastics at the same level. After five months, she was hand-picked to be on the pre-team! I was crushed. Now she’s competing, but I'm okay with it. About a month after she was picked, I realized gymnastics was her thing like horseback riding is mine. At first, I was sad. Now I'm all the way there, supporting her!”

–Ella, age 11, Wash.

Imagine a world where audiences groaned and booed if a singer sounded “too good.” Or where an Olympic athlete ran so fast her fans switched off the TV in a jealous huff. It sounds ridiculous, yet when we’re very close to the person who is talented or admired, we sometimes have trouble supporting them wholeheartedly. Deep down, we worry that his or her success somehow takes away from our own. But if you can get past those jealous feelings, supporting the people you care about will add richness to your life, not take it away.

For one thing, being able to sincerely celebrate a friend’s success will get rid of those feelings of guilt. But more to the point, it will also bring you and the person you’ve played shadow to closer together. Trust us on this one...no matter how many strangers make a fuss over your sister’s adorable haircut, it’ll mean more to her to know you approve of it. More important, she’ll know that you’re in her corner and want good things for her. If you’re still not convinced, consider this: But being there for your friend or family member and rooting for them is a rewarding experience for other reasons, too. It’s a chance to be purely giving and focused on someone other than yourself. Try it—you may be surprised how good it feels to just let someone else have the spotlight without secretly wishing it were you.

Besides, think of it this way: In a healthy relationship, you support each other. You take turns being the focus of attention. So the next time you clap at your sister’s piano recital or throw a party to celebrate your friend’s breaking the school high-jump record, you’re actually setting a great example for her to live up to. Bet you never thought that would happen!