Queen Bees, Wannabees, and Losers
Question: What do "popular kids," "girly-girls," "wannabes," "sporty people," "freaks," "nerds," and "losers" have in common? Answer: They're all labels.
Everyone knows by now that labels belong on jeans, not human beings. From kindergarten on, you hear it over and over: "Cliques are hurtful." "The rating game is wrong." And yet, labeling, exclusion, and the fashion police are still major problems at most middle schools. So if we all know it's wrong, why does it go on...and on? Discovery Girls wanted to know, so we asked hundreds of girls like you what goes on in your schools. Here's what we learned...and what we think can be done about it.
Who does it?
"People do get labeled in my school. I know it's not right, so my friends and I do not label anybody. We have our own little group, and we have a little bit of everything in it." When we asked girls to tell us about the social scenes at their schools, we got a ton of thoughtful and interesting responses. Nearly everyone said that cliques, put-downs, and labels were a problem. But not a single girl said she'd ever slapped a label on someone else, been unkind, or shut out a kid just for being "different." Now, we know our readers are a truly great bunch of girls, but we also know that everyone can't be an innocent bystander! Here's what we think is going on: Most girls mean well, and most of the time they do live up to their good intentions. But other times...well, let's just say we all have our weak moments. So why not 'fess up? Because no one wants to feel guilty. It's easier to forget the times we've acted cruelly—or looked the other way while our friends did.
Don't get us wrong: We're not trying to accuse any one person of anything—we believe we're all in this together! And that's exactly why all of us need to recognize that—imperfect as we are—we don't always do the right thing. Because if we're ever going to solve the problem, we have to acknowledge that sometimes we are part of it.
Why do we do it?
"Girls usually act mean to each other if they feel jealous, or they're mad at someone." In other words, girls don't even necessarily dislike their targets; they are often just blowing off steam! The girls we consulted suggested that a girl might label or exclude another in order to "feel powerful over someone else," or to "feel better about herself if she's insecure." So why can't these girls express their anger openly? Some psychologists (people who study human behavior) think it's because girls are taught to be nice all the time. And nice people don't yell, scream, or fight. Since girls can't "get it out" the way boys do, they're left holding onto a lot of not-so-nice feelings. But those feelings don't go away—they just end up getting expressed in less obvious ways: A whispered rumor instead of a shouted swear word. Rolled eyes instead of black eyes. But the damage they do is just as bad—if not worse. As one reader put it, "Girls can be more hurtful than boys because they're more into drama and secrets."
Where do you fit in?
"My friends and I are sort of in the middle—you know, not cool, not exactly nerds." Interestingly, for all the labels flying around our schools, few of the girls we surveyed felt they'd been stuck with a negative one! More than 90 percent saw themselves as "somewhere in the middle" of the social scene. "My friends and I are seen as the ‘girl next door' group," said one reader. "We're the ‘nice kids,'" said another. And from another: "I'm definitely in ‘the rest' category."
Maybe it's not so surprising that nearly all girls see themselves as being somewhere in the middle. Who wants to come right out and say they're part of the "pop squad," or a "queen bee"? That's like saying, "Yes, I'm one of those horrible girls who puts everyone down." Similarly, no one is going to say, "People say I'm a loser," because that's like saying, "I am a loser." It's a lot easier to talk about the labeling game in terms of other people. As one girl told us: "My friends and I don't have labels…or if we do, we sure don't know about it!"
In some ways, that's great news. Most of you aren't letting the social situation define you. You've got your friends and your own idea of who you are, so why stress if some random kids at another lunch table decide you're a freak? Some girls also pointed out that "everyone gets labeled a ‘freak' at least once during their middle school career," as one put it, and that different people see you in different ways. As another girl said, "Some people would label me ‘a wannabe,' others would label me ‘popular,' and some might label me a ‘loser.'" It's encouraging to realize that while labels and put-downs can be painful, most girls understand that they're just opinions.
Does that mean you'd be happy to just let things go on as they are? No way! Nearly all of the girls we heard from disliked the "system." One said, "I don't think school should be a competition for who is more popular, who wears the coolest clothing, or who gets the best grades." And from another: "I don't think that there should be popular kids and losers. It's really who the person is that counts." And yet another: "I think if everyone was just allowed to be herself we would make a lot more friends and there would be a lot less fighting."
So what can you do about it?
"I'm slightly overweight, and at my old school I got called chubby. Now I go to a much smaller school. I guess I'm lucky because at my new school I haven't had a problem." Happily, not all schools are plagued by the labels game. Smaller schools tend to be gentler. When everyone knows each other well, it's harder to reduce someone to a single word like "loser." And even different grades in the same school—or classrooms in the same grade—can have very different atmospheres. Why? Because every group is affected by the actions of every person in it. All of which leads us to some very good news: You can do something about it. So get to know the kids in your class who aren't part of your group—even if someone else considers them "losers." Do your very best not to get sucked into treating people badly. And finally, build yourself a tight group of friends who love the real you. Not only will you find it easier to ignore any barbs that others toss your way, you'll be too secure to want to inflict that kind of pain on someone else. And that's a win-win situation.
